On the Couch Again
By Paul Mahaney
Hey that’s a nice leather couch you have there doc, but does it need to be so dark in here?
“Vell I sink it helps my patients relax bitter, please zit down make yourself comfortable, and tell me vhat seem’s to be za problem?”
Well it’s the Giants doc.
“I zee, zoe you have zis fear of a monster like zay, Jack and za Beanstalk yes?”
No, I’m worried about the San Francisco Giants.
“Ah za baseball team, zat is vhat brought you here, vie is zat?”
You’re going to think I’m crazy doc, but I think someone replaced my team.
“What makes you sinks zat?”
Look they won the World Series in 2010, and again last year. This year they started off shaky and have gone downhill ever since.
“Zat makes you suspicious zen right?”
Yes, I mean the Giants have all this talent and yet so much of it has failed to produce this year. Take for instance Tim Lincecum. He won 2 Cy Young Awards in his heyday, and he even came out of the bullpen last year to help the Giants win the World Series again.
Mind you he was forced into the bullpen during the playoffs because he was not very effective as a starter. This year he has not fared much better though, in fact Tim has become something of a liability.
Vie do you suppose zat is?
I don’t know for sure, but control over his pitches is a major concern, besides I don’t really believe that the real Tim Lincecum is pitching for the Giants anymore.
“Zat is very Intorlesting”
Yeah it is and another thing, Barry Zito throws well at home, but on the road the Giants obviously send another guy to the mound, because how else do you explain why he always loses away from home?
And I’ll tell you something else doc, I think the Giants management would like us, the fan, to believe that the reason the rest of the pitching has struggled this year, is because of injuries to the starting rotation and key relief pitchers.
“Uoont you don’t sink so correct?”
No I don’t because I think they were pitching badly before the injury bug bit them. In fact I think that although the entire team has had more than the usual amount of injuries this year, had it not been for the late inning heroics of the hitters early in the season, I think the Giants might well be in last place.
“So you are sinking vhat?”
Well isn’t it obvious?
“Isn’t vhat obvious?”
Don’t you see the Giants have been gradually replacing the entire team one player at a time, and its not just because of injuries, in fact I think there is a plot to overthrow my team from within.
Only Buster Posey, and perhaps Madison Bumgarner, remain from last year’s team, everyone else is just pretenders. I know what your thinking, your thinking I am just paranoid.
“Vell are you?”
Yes, no, well maybe!
“And to vhat purpose vood zay do such a sing?”
To cut cost?
“Are you asking me or telling me?”
I’m telling you doc, what other explanation could there possibly be for such a collapse? I mean look even the Padres are doing better than the Giants.
“Vell I vill confess zat is a little bizarre, but it still doesn’t explain vie za Giant management vood keep zonly Buster Posey, and Madison Bumgarner vhile dispensing vith za rest of za team?”
Well you’re the doctor go figure it out, otherwise why did I come here for help? And by the way, why is it you keep answering my questions with more questions, aren’t you suppose to be providing the answers?
“Vell vhat do you sink?”
I think that you think, that I am delusional, and that I probably could not tell the Mets apart from the Giants, although I confess that some of my colleagues Melissa, Lisa, Michael, and Nathaniel probably couldn’t tell the difference either right now.
“And how do you zappose I came to zat conclusion?”
You tell me?
“Vell it vas…vate a minute, I ask za questions here.”