Food For Thought
By Dave Ervin
Concessions are a favorite part of any fan’s experience at the ‘ol ballgame. Especially when those concessions have kitschy names. Last year, Rangers Ballpark gave birth to “the Boomstick” – a $26 hot dog with all the fixin’s – literally, all the fixin’s – and about twenty pounds of unidentifiable meat, named after Nelson Cruz. The novelty caught on and the Ranger’s expanded their player-inspired menu this year with appetizing selections such as “the Murphadilla”. Seriously. David Murphy is from Houston. Should he really be represented by a Mexican delight such as the quesadilla?
Anyway, I thought it might be fun to dream up some concession ideas for both current and former Rangers. Let’s take a look at what’s on the menu at the Dave Shack…
The Rafael Pimento Cheese Sandwich – A sandwich that has not – NOT – been chemically enhanced in any way. A big fan favorite- for a while. Tastes really great for the first ten years or so, then makes you want to puke.
Kevin Crucnh-N-Mench – A cracker-Jack ripoff that makes your head swell up to ten times its normal size.
Julio Frankfurter – A hot dog that must be held in a corkscrew like stance in order to be enjoyed. Ages well. Julio frankfurters have been known to stick around in the intestinal tract for upwards of twenty five years.
Steve Bu-Shellfish – I don’t know why you would order oysters at the ballpark, but if you do, make sure and snag these ballpark classics. Little muscles on the half-shell, each with its own flowing blonde mullet.
Benji Gil Butterfinger Blizzard – Named after the shortstop’s skil lset, not the famous candy bar.
Josh Hamilton Black Tea – Served hot when the games don’t matter and ice cold in late September. Decaffeinated, of course.
Cliff Lee Bubblegum– Tastes really great, but the flavor leaves as soon as you start to like it.
Jeff French Fryes– On the menu simply because his last name is Frye and to make people say “oh, yeah – forgot about that guy.”
Nolan Ryan Beef Jerky – Super-tough and beloved by just about everyone. A recent poll of major league managers found that all but one of them gave the jerky a superior rating. The one detractor said it “made his head hurt”…(think about it…)
Jose Canseco Melon – Not only tastes great, but a perfect tool for deflecting baseballs. Now served with extra juice.
Craig Gin and Tonic – A mixed drink that shares menu time with the Leonys Martini.
Johnny Oatmeal– A delicious, hearty meal that people tend to appreciate only years after they’ve casually tossed it away.
Rusty Beer – A delicious red-ale that Texas Rangers fans swear by, even though no one outside of Arlington has ever heard of it.
Ian Kinsler PopCorn – Does this one really need any explanation?
Otis Trail Mixon – A mix of peanuts, dried fruit and spices that ages your face well into its 80s.
Michael Young Neopolitan Ice Cream– First you’ll be asked to eat the vanilla. Then the strawberry. Then the vanilla again before you move on to the chocolate. Pretty soon you’ll just want to give up and move to Philadelphia.
Chan Ho Park Caviar – For high rollers only. Not only makes your stomach turn, but you’ll be let wondering how you could be stuped into paying so much money for something so awful.
Darren Olive-Oil– You’ll wonder why this is even on the menu, but there it is, year after year, taking up space in the back. It’ll go away for a while and then come back again. It’s never gone for good.
The Pete Incaviglia All You Can Eat Buffet – For a limited time you can stuff yourself silly then embarrass everyone by trying to perform an athletic feat. Comes with a free wad of tobacco and a lifetime of unfulfilled expectations.
Okay, I’m all out of Ranger-themed concession items. There were a few that didn’t make the cut – like the Kevin Brownie and the Ken Hill of Beans. But I could think of nothing clever to write in their descriptions.
The toughest omission was probably the Homemade Fudge Rodriguez, but I had to draw the line somewhere.
Thanks for reading this nonsense. Go Rangers!